


Small

by Spidermonkey111



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Post-Episode: s12e10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:10:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9690344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spidermonkey111/pseuds/Spidermonkey111
Summary: Just a short wandering drabbly fic about Cas's headspace post 12x10





	

Castiel felt small.

Not as small as he had felt as a human.  He had been so disconnected, powerless, a slave to bodily urges, unable to go where he wanted, do what he wished.  He had also been so vulnerable, never more so than when April had pierced him with an angel blade and all he could do was _gasp_ because of the pain and shock and then black ( _and then Dean’s worried eyes and lies_ ).

He had never felt so alone.  As an angel he may have been a being of another dimension, true form unable to manifest in this world, powerful and cocksure, but he fit in because he was useful.  As a human he had been useless, too close to being killed, not powerful enough, had to be looked after.

And now he was himself again, an angel ( _who could have thought that state so able to change, so easily able to leave him_ ).  But his wings were crushed and broken, no flying anymore, those things he used to be able to do as easy as thinking were gone. 

He had fought for so long to do what was right, to help and in the end they had been the wrong decisions ( _or perhaps not, the events of his past had become so complicated, one event leading to another that there maybe was no right answers_ ).  They had taken their toll however, the effects of the fallout had chipped away at him.  The leviathans, falling, spells, stolen grace, torture and of course lucifer, all of these wearing him away. 

He had been depressed before, but this was different in a way.  Too many painful memories, too _much_ had happened.  Grudging despair had left him on one path.  If he lost them ( _if he lost Dean_ ) he would be on his own against the world.  No way was he strong enough for that.

He could feel himself becoming grumpy and Dean didn’t _understand._ Couldn’t understand perhaps that the angel was now just sad shadow of what he used to be, that death was half there already.  How to explain? How to make them understand?

But when Dean and Sam had shoved in beside him, he was glad they were there.  And Dean was worried about him, Dean wouldn’t sacrifice him.

So when Dean looked at him with pleading eyes, he knew that perhaps Dean could go on without him.

But Castiel had no fight left.  He cared too much.  He couldn’t resist these feelings.  He had one course open to him, he had to save them, or he would die trying.

If he didn’t what was left wouldn’t be alive anyway. 


End file.
